I haven’t been very open about this before, but going to weddings when you’re grieving is really, REALLY hard.

Fathers walk their daughters down the aisle, then they give a speech, then they have a dance with the bride, then they walk around beaming with pride from ear to ear the whole night. They’re all things that I dreamt of my entire life with my dad— including a father daughter dance that busted out into 🎶Mustang Sally🎶. But I’ve been robbed of ever experiencing them.

I guess God had other plans.

There are some parts of my father’s unexpected death that I have come to grips with. Not getting those special moments at my wedding, I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with that. Since he’s passed away, Marc and I have had about 15 weddings. I cried at all of them. I threw up at some. The sadness becomes difficult for any vodka soda to penetrate and I end up feeling numb.

Last night was the first wedding since my future mother-in-law passed away. I’m not sure what was worse— feeling my own pain for my father, or knowing I couldn’t protect the love of my life from feeling that exact pain about his mother. We sat on a bench away from the sight of the special dances, cried our eyes out in between bites of dessert and random laughs.

We look ahead to our own special day in a few short weeks. We’ve spent hours addressing how we will honor our parents at our wedding in a way that is heartfelt but that doesn’t rock us to the core. I’d like to think we will be okay. We’ll be surrounded by friends and family, after all. But I can’t help but wonder if the experience at weddings will ease up once we make it through our own. Here’s to hoping. Stay tuned…

Either way, at least we have each other through weddings and for forever. .